Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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