I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
