I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My bed smells like the plague
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