I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just found a bag of teeth...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
