I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
