Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
