I'm eating all of the evidence.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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