i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
