At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
