so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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