I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize