I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
