We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dicks are not precious.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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