new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
