I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
