White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Sober January is a disaster.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
