A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
