we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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