my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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