i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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