i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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