I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
