3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
