Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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