How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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