This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
