found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
