its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
