Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
