theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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