dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
