I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
