Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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