dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
