I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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