I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
