do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i out mim tonsoeep
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
