I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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