You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
His nipple licking is glorious
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