I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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