farters have to be the big spoon...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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