Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
