I skipped work to stalk him.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
