Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
