Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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