I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
