I would go down on you faster than GM stock
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
