Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
