either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
