I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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