The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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