Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
