batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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