I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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