I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
