I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
