He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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