Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
