obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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