I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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