Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
