The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
