I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize