I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
