They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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