I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
